ok. here's the thing. I flipped over the first card on each deck and immediately wanted to cancel the project.
I'm for sure going to embarrass myself, but I guess I should let that go. I've already published on the Internet that I can't get my haircut and I'm a big emotional mess, so why not some embarrassing dance videos?
So, I'm an old enough person that when people talk about flossing, I assume they mean teeth and have to use context clues to figure out they mean this stupid dance. Really the only place I've experienced it is at hockey games (Go Knights Go!), and then its predominantly obnoxious children on the KnightTron.
Since I only kind of know how to do this dance, I googled it and found a how to video created by a condescending 12 year old to teach me how. Then I realized that describing myself doing the floss dance would disappoint the 3 people who will read this post if I don't post a video. pics or it didn't happen, amiright?
So I practiced with the condescending 12 year old and felt really old for a few minutes, and then I made this video for you. I'm really sorry.
I hope you enjoyed that experience, because I will never do it again.
I thought this would be pretty easy. There are always carts floating around the parking lot, and I can just grab them and put them back. No big deal, right?
So I went down to the Vons and bought an energy drink (white gummy bear flavor? really?) and then went out to the parking lot to scope it out. Now, right next to my truck, someone had left his cart. But apparently I picked the only spot that had no cart return anywhere near me. That's ok, I can walk. Its 150 degrees outside, but I can handle it.
But then, I realize that the Vons employee responsible for collecting the carts is way to close to where I am and he will see me and think I'm some kind of bizarre cart enthusiast. And another customer just pulled in to a spot near my truck, and they saw me come out of the store without a cart and now I would be returning with a cart and the whole world would know I'm a weirdo!
I mentioned the anxiety problem, right?
I got back in the truck, about to give up and assume I had failed the kindness card for tonight. But no! I already promised a floss video and I need to have more to share tonight. I must corral the carts! So I got back out (after the cart employee and the nearby customer had gone in the store and wouldn't see) and walked the cart to the store. I thought, "well, I did one." that counts, right?"
But then, I saw them. 2 cars parked in the cement island near, but not in, the cart return. I pulled up in the truck, hopped out, returned the carts, and got out of there. Now I'm a bizarre cart return vigilante. I'm working on the costume. Don't worry. No capes!
Ok, I don't know about pee-your-pants laugh, but I can come up with three funny stories. Not that I haven't peed my pants with laughter, I just cant remember exactly which occasions involved a change of clothing.
We Shared Cheese
One of my best friends is named Ashley. These days, she is essentially a bonus sister to me and the person I hang out with most frequently. She even helped me move some heavy stuff last week, so we are that kind of close. But this story happened shortly after we first met. We didn't really know each other that well yet, which is what makes the story so fun.
We were out with a group of people from church and we were eating at Panera. I ordered french onion soup, because it is delicious. One of the best parts about french onion soup is that it comes with a huge glob of melty cheese on the top. mmmm...melty cheese.
So I'm digging into my soup and I pull the spoon out of the cheese and, as sometimes happens, the cheese sort of stretched out of the bowl to the spoon and refused to be separated. So Ashley, a sort of casual friend at the time, reaches over with her spoon and just...takes my cheese! She took my cheese right off my spoon and she ate it! She is a cheese thief! And that's why I love her.
This one is funnier if you know me pretty well. I don't really enjoy being touched, especially by people I don't really know. I'm not much of a hugger and I prefer a respectful distance. So I'm standing in one of those conversation circles at a church event and I was talking to a few friends.
Suddenly, I feel the hands of an unknown person on my shoulders, just sort of lightly massaging them. I was completely unprepared and I straight up froze. I stopped midsentence! I could see my friends watching and enjoying my discomfort until one of them said to the guy "you know she hates that, right?"
Turns out it was a guy that I had met but didn't really know, and I will call him Red Shoes Man. Red Shoes Man is called that because he ALWAYS wore red shoes. Usually he had a red hat and a red tie. He wore exclusively red and black as far as I can tell. I kind of thought he would be single forever. But one day, he showed up with a woman who also was wearing red and black. they are married and they will have little red and black babies. that guy found his person. meanwhile I'm pursuing a new career as a cart vigilante....
One time, I pulled off a beautiful office prank. I actually stole the idea from my sister, who had performed it on my other sister to great effect many years ago. This prank was a one-time opportunity that relied on my anonymity as a prankster to work. Up to this point, I had never played a prank and this was at least 4-5 years in to my career. No one thought of me as a likely culprit, so I had this one chance to do it right.
I have pretty strict guidelines I use to determine an appropriate office prank. It can't destroy anything and it can't interfere with anyone's ability to work. Plus it shouldn't be mean; just fun. Also, I prefer the joke to be subtle.
I was often the last person at the office in the evening during busy season. I usually showed up a little later and stayed a little later than everyone else. So I had ample opportunity to engage in hijinks. To keep it straight, here is the cast of characters:
Me: ...its me
P: partner at the firm who enjoys playing pranks like scaring the admin staff with plastic snakes
N: admin person who worked in the file room and was often a victim of P
One Thursday night, after everyone else had gone, I went into the file room and popped off some of the keys on N's computer keyboard and rearranged them to spell out the last name of P.
That's it. That was the prank.
What made it great was the response.
At the time, our firm was having a catered lunch every Friday during busy season. It was usually a fun time to chat with coworkers and take a little break from the stress. Plus it saves time for people who have to go out and get lunch.
I got to work Friday, ready to hear the response to my clever little joke. But I didn't hear anything. All morning long it was like nothing had happened. And I couldn't go in and ask about it, because that would ruin my anonymity. But then, at lunch, I noticed people talking about it.
N was insisting that P had done it. P was denying it. N: it says your name! P: I didn't do it!
I was desperately trying to keep a straight face. The whole lunch, everyone at the table was speculating about who might have done it. They went around the table accusing nearly every person except me. It was beautiful to behold!
I actually maintained my anonymity for several days before they finally figured it out. I loved every minute of it. I've been trying to come up with another prank like that ever since. Let me know if you have any ideas for me.
So that's my kickoff for the new project. I'll try to do updates once a week with the cards I've done. I won't do three cards every day, so hopefully the posts won't be too long.
Join in the challenges if you want. I'd love to see your embarrassing floss videos and hear your cart vigilante stories. Plus who doesn't want to watch a video of a condescending 12 year old?
I think the comments section works? No one has told me otherwise. Also, feel free to subscribe if you want. I probably won't update facebook every time I post in this section, because I don't want my friends to unfriend me.